he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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