Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
