I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
