Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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