I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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