I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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