i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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