update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
