Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
