you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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