I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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