Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
