youre lurking in front of me
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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