On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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