The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
