well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
