Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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