so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
