I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
