dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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