i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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