I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
