you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
