Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
