I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
