if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
