My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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