Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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