This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
