That's when you crack a 10am beer
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
