I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
