I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My feet surprised me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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