i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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