then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
