You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
