a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I am one with the molecules
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
