My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
