I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
