State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
