Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
they're like a gay fantastic four
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
