i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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