she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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