Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
