Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
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How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...