I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
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Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
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Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho