this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?