YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
