Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
