I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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