I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
