i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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