Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My penis needs a shock collar
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
