Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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