Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I fill condoms, not promises.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
