For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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