At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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