just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We left the knife in your bed.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
