Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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